Donnie

Date Posted: 05.06.08

I have read the news articles and the obituaries. They sum it all up very neatly. 28-year-old man killed while recklessly driving a motorcycle. Survived by wife, mother, father and sisters.

It seems so little to describe a life. I want to tell the story of him accurately. I want to say the things I would have said if I had the chance to speak at the funeral. What would I have said? I am not really sure but I have to try.

Donnie was my brother. He was the kind of brother to kick the door down, steal my Barbie dolls and claim he "wasn't touching me" while holding his fingers mere centimeters from my face. He was the kind of brother who stuck out his chin and begged me to just smack him one. "Come on, come on, you know you wanna." Oh how I wanted to... Of course if I actually did it he would go howling to Mommy like I had beat him bloody."

Donnie was the kind of brother who tried to play matador with a bull and ended up having to run and slide under a barbed wire fence. Then of course he didn't want Grandmaw to know what he did so he just whined and howled and made me play doctor and pour iodine on him and fetch and carry for him like he was an invalid.

Donnie was the kid who lit fires just to watch them burn. Then he pushed them down hills in an old red wagon. Did anyone really think I (the responsible one) could stop him?

Donnie climbed mountains and explored caves. He covered himself in tattoos. He embraced pain and he ran from it. He tried everything, except maybe peace. He drove fast, he lived hard.

Donnie rarely told the truth. He was the best kind of liar because he believed his own lies. He could lie and say the sky was green and despite all your sensory input you might just believe it because he believed it so much.

Is that a gift? He created his own world. Maybe it was a gift.

Donnie did bad things. He fucked around. He had more sex than a soap opera heroine. He did drugs. He made drugs. He sold drugs. He fought. He may have even killed. He told me once that he did, or thought he did. He might have lied. He might not.

He stole my money, my jewelry, and my friends. Sometimes he stole my mothers love. He stole my life out from under me once. He made me into someone else but never gave me back the same. I never made him into anything. Maybe he was stronger than me that way.

I hated him once but he always loved me.

I was disappointed in him and he was proud of me. I wanted him to be more but he already thought I was the best.

We danced wildly around his room to Michael Jackson and Sir Mix-a-lot and he swore he would never tell anyone about it. I don't think he did.

He ate the cream out of Oreos and left the cookies behind.

He helped me sneak and unwrap the Christmas presents early. OK... That was mostly me, but really... "Donnie -made- me do it."

He could convince you to do anything! (almost)

He loved animals and kids and women. He loved a lot. He loved strong and well. He was kind.

He never wanted to grow up or old. He wanted to go on just living as fast as he could. He did. It is done now.

He loved. He lived. He was here. He mattered. He was my brother.

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Speaker for the Dead

Date Posted: 05.06.08

Orson Scott Card wrote the Ender Saga. In the books he writes about a quasi-religious cult that arose around a figure called "The Speaker for the Dead." The idea of the Speaker was that he "spoke" the truth about the life and times of a person who passed away. He told the good, the bad, and the ugly with straightforward candor. I have always found the idea extremely appealing and cathartic.

When my grandmother died I was mildly appalled by the near-sainthood she received. She was wonderful but she was also a lot more than that. It was the "more" that made her real, that made her -her-. I loved her, not a falsely-deified version. I wanted to scream to the world that she was real but no one wanted to hear it.

My brother died last week. I wonder if I can speak for him now.

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Passionate About...

Date Posted: 04.23.08

Someone on the fiendly atheist site asked a question about what people were passionate about. I answered it so I am going to post it here.

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Romance, or the Lack There Of

Date Posted: 02.17.08
Last Revision: 03.18.08

I am over 30 and I am still single. I have had meaningful relationships but I have not been close to marriage. I am not really complaining. Indeed, I am hesitant to complain because most of the time I am not even sure I want to change it. However, I am willing to evaluate it and think about what I really want.

The first issue is co-dependency. I have a hard time imagining a relationship because it seems like I always end up with men who need me way too much.

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Freethinker Match.com

Date Posted: 02.16.08

I joined a matchmaking website. It is called Freethinker Match. I joined on a whim really. I saw it, thought it was cool and joined. I figured I would at least meet some interesting people to E-mail. I didn't even post a picture.

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Access Counter

Date Posted: 01.01.08

I have added an access counter to this website. I downloaded the script for the textcounter from Matt's Script Archive.

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Christian & Atheist Relationships

Date Posted: 01.01.08
Last Revision: 01.02.08

I have been reading Friendly Atheist. I came across an entry about a romance between a Christian and an atheist. I have struggled with this issue myself so I think it is worth consideration.

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A New Beginning

Date Posted: 12.31.07

I have decided that just summarizing and reviewing books is boring. It should also be noted that I have not summarized every book I read. I will. I really will! In the meantime, I think I will use this blog for more personal topics as well.

I know I said I wasn't going to do that but I have changed my mind. I think it might be cool to do this without my friends, families or coworkers reading it.

So... my life today:

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God, or the Lack There Of

Date Posted: 09.30.07
Last Revision: 02.16.08

Writing about God is inevitable. I have decided it is best to write about my personal belief or lack there of in one entry rather than explain it every time the subject comes up.

"I do not believe in god."

I do not believe in god in any form that I currently understand. I do not believe in any supreme being who hands down a moral or ethical code. I do not believe in a supreme being who sits back and watches but does not interfere. I do not believe in a supreme being who interferes arbitrarily. I do not believe in multiple beings on any higher plane who are capable of interfering with human life in any way.

Why not?

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I Think...

Date Posted: 12.22.07
Last Revision: 12.31.07

I think my cat just ate a Styrofoam peanut.

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